Willow Complex, Chapter 4

I'm crushing on Amber.

I'm definitely at least bi. Probably lesbian. But I want children! But I know I can always adopt, but I've always imagined having my OWN children.

God, I am so confused.

Endlessly, criminally, confused.

I don't even know who I am anymore! I used to have a plan for life; fall in love with a tall, handsome(although looks aren't as important as personality) man, have a few children, maybe adopt one or two, and stay home to take care of them.

Except now, I have no clue what I'm supposed to do. I don't even know anymore...I know, I keep saying that, but...UGH!

Amber doesn't know I'm bi/lesbian yet. I know I'm crushing on her, but I'm afraid she's going to tell me that she doesn't feel the same way. And then our relationship will be awkward and ruined. I have to tell her. She's coming over tonight, I will tell you everything about that as soon as I can. I'm so worried about it though...if she doesn't feel the same way, and the relationship gets ruined, then I'll have no one but Lilac. I love Lilac tons, but...I need more than just one person to understand me.

Speaking of Lilac, she's so grown now. She's eleven now, and she's become such a beautiful little girl. She's Once a month, she comes home for a weekend. She tells me about the school, what she's learning, about her friends, all that good stuff, and it makes me so happy that she's happy.

But she also tells me about how much she wishes that I was there. She'll curl up in bed, facing the wall, and she'll tell me about how she has nightmares almost every night about the man who killed our parents. And the entire time, she's telling me these things, I feel so guilty.

I should be there for her, but I'm too selfish. I won't force her to leave her friends(and even if I wanted to, Grandma insists that she needs the school), but I refuse to leave my friends. Well, I refuse to leave Amber.

There's not much else for me to enjoy here; I'm bullied at school because of the things Jack said about me after we broke up (he told people that he got things from me very early on in the relationship, things that I had never given to him, and he says I cheated on him) so I don't really talk to anyone but Amber and a few of her friends, and Grandma tries but she still isn't much of a family person and still spends all of her time doing something for work. But I won't leave Amber.

I need to go. I'll write again soon, hopefully.

Um, hi, Willow's diary.

It's Amber. Willow gave me the diary to read. She told me to feel free to write, so I thought I would. Anyways.

I'm in love with Willow. I kind of liked her from the beginning, but I'm really good and forcing myself to not like someone when I think they're straight. Except, when Willow started dating Jack, I felt this jealousy that I had never felt before. I thought at first that it was just me being mad that my best friend didn't need me anymore, but...I realized I was in love with her.

Willow, I'm in love with you. I love you so much.

You're beautiful, kind, loving...everything I've ever wanted. And for the longest time, I thought the girl I was in love with was straight! You have no idea the relief I feel now that I know you're not.

By the time you read this, you'll already know. I'm heading over soon. I'm going to kiss you, and I'm going to do it better than Jack ever could!

Always remember, Willow, that I love you.